The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
