im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
