I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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