So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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