Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
