Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize