i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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