Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
