3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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