Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
