Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Me too!
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Even my vagina gasped.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The feeling are messing with the penis
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
