she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
