i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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