Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I checked into jail on foursquare
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
