The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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