When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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