The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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