Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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