It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
