I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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