My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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