i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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