my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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