I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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