i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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