So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
