I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
