Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
