New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
