I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My bed smells like the plague
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