She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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