If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
