do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
