I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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