I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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