This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
