Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
