The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
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