i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
