so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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