he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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