I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
