I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
