vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
