I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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