He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize