My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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