I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
3 2 1 whiskey
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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