Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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