i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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