I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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