I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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