Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
