So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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