her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
