Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
